The Year of Living Frugally – Week 7

When in Doubt – Write About Relationships

Work, overtime, business travel, this, that – I’m glad I have set up a system to keep myself on track for this project. I find myself backsliding a bit when I get ridiculously busy and/or the stress levels ratchet up.

This is one of those times. I am looking forward to the end of the month – so I can see how well I have done. In the meantime, in a state of complete busy-ness, my impulse spending is speeding up; it’s a burrito here, an apple fritter there, unnecessary greasy-salty snack there…

As I write this webpage – now almost two months in – I receive a variety of responses from friends and family. One of the more common responses follows the line of thinking that I need to settle down and have kids. If I would only settle down and have kids – I would be content. This webpage and “search for greater purpose” would be satisfied by raising kids.

They are exactly 100% correct – in a way. If I had kids, I most likely would not be following this current thought-path and writing on this page. Not because I would feel sated by the experience of raising kids – and seek no more from the buffet-table of life. I think the reason is that I would be too tired to do anything else. Satisfaction would likely be there though – I feel enormous job satisfaction when I teach, and raising a child is probably the ultimate teaching project.

So why am I not looking to buy and outfit a house for raising a family? Shouldn’t I be putting my money and energy into “nesting” to attract a mate?

So far, my experience dating here in far northern coastal California has not been very satisfying. There are just not that many women my age here – it’s mostly baby-boomers and college kids. Most of the generation X-ers moved away from here in search of something to do (at least the ones that don’t surf). This area is a great place to raise a family – but maybe not so good for new experiences.

Of the women here who are my age and single…

I hate to make generalizations, but they just seem so focused on starting a family. They are just looking for someone suitable to have kids with. I, however, do not want to play supporting actor to someone else’s star role in their own personal reality show – I’m looking for at least a co-starring role. I know that grounded, intelligent, sincere women are out there – but if after dating for three months I need to have a talk about future and house-buying and babies and their plan – how could I not feel like my contribution is only supposed to be my seed and my earning potential?

When I watched this YouTube clip a friend shared with me recently – I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know that this is a play on stereotypes – and it was written by a male (I’m waiting to see the counter-point to this – all you creative movie-makers out there…). However, I get the feeling that the expectations of society put an enormous amount of pressure on living out this exact type of reality. Why do so many insist that I get married, have kids and stop rocking the boat? Is this the only reasonable solution for life? I know that marriage and family can be a fulfilling, rewarding choice – but why force the issue?

Many seem to want that ideal family-scenario so badly – that they are willing to settle on their partner to make it happen. Is this even a good idea – in any conceivable scenario? (I always hear a lispy high-volume voice say “Inconceivable!” whenever I write that word – guess the movie for 10 points) Settling seems like such a recipe for disaster… How many unhappy couples are out there that only stay together for the kids – and are the kids really better off?

In this country, image is more important than reality for far too many people. And chasing that image can make people only go through the motions of life – because they don’t want to rock the boat.

I recently heard a story of an acquaintance of an acquaintance, and how they keep their child well-behaved. They told their 13-year-old son that there were surveillance cameras installed entirely throughout their newly-built tract-home (they actually do have a couple of hidden security cameras, which they can use to “prove” this idea). They even joke about it to each other in front of their son. I’m sure this keeps the boy from getting into a lot of trouble – but what does this do to the poor kid when he feels like “rubbing one out”? What do you think the chances are of this having absolutely no effect on his future intimate relationships with women? (slim, meet none…) Do you think this was a good high-tech solution to incorporate their hairy-palmed fear-mongering?

Are they doing the best they can to raise their child? Or are they trying to make child-raising as easy as possible – so it minimizes the impact on themselves. Are they engaged in the process of child-rearing or just going through the motions and creating the image of a well-behaved child?

Perhaps I am being too harsh here. I have heard before that my viewpoint is immature and that I need to accept compromises. Does maturity mean that you accept the defeat of your ideals and instead live according to someone else’s – or society’s – standards?

Don’t get me wrong here – I still think women and relationships are pretty cool. I’m still an optimist, and still a romantic (I think anyone who wants to travel around the world on a budget is both an optimist and a romantic). I haven’t given up on marriage and kids – read my Bucket List. It just seems that a significant number of individuals (both men and women) in this country are so consumed with pursuing an image of how life is “supposed to be” – that they forgot how to live along the way.

How many people refer to their relationship and/or significant other as a “ball and chain”? Probably more than you care to admit. However, these chains are not the Chains of Babylon I’m trying to escape. These were just the most project-like thoughts that were kicking through my head this week (it’s spring-time here, and the Monkey Brain notices).

In the here and now – I am growing to hate dating. Most of the time it is a pointless exercise in flying your image-kite. Like Rollins – I’m finding it difficult to find a genuine, intelligent conversation…

By the way, this is not some sort of desperate cry for dating help. Do not try to set me up with one of your friends.

If you are still thinking about setting me up with one of your friends, ask yourself – what is the probability that she: is intelligent, has a sense of humor, a good heart, active, likes surfing, nerds, travel and dogs, likes dust and missing showers on occasion, thinks post-surf nasal-flow can be funny, thinks unidentifiable street-vendor food is interesting, is okay with spending the night in bungalows with “character”, thinks the best time to visit machu pichu is when the surf goes flat, etc, etc, etc… (slim, meet none…)

(continue on to Week Eight)